You Want More Laughs?
You’ve Come to the Right Place.

Sit down. This will take a moment. You are going to enjoy this.

“You have arrived at this page because somewhere deep inside you — beneath the scar tissue, beneath the decades of disappointment, beneath the coaching carousels and the missed field goals and the trades that looked good in April — there is a fan who still believes. We salute you.”

What You Actually Get

Fuller content of the day’s top stories — for all 32 NFL teams, every single day.

Free subscribers see the front page headlines and teasers, team by team. All-Access subscribers get the full articles — every story, complete, delivered to your inbox every day, for every NFL team in the network, not just this one. Same articles. Just longer. Fuller. The whole thing. No “keep reading.”

Plus Seven Weeks of Bonus Content.
One Per Week. Every Cycle. Every Team.

Every All-Access subscriber gets one bonus content piece per week, every week, rotating through all seven formats — and it is not limited to one team. Your subscription unlocks the full Bonus Content library across all 32 NFL team sites in the network. Here is exactly what that looks like on the Falcons page specifically — the full thing, live, right here, so you know exactly what you are getting before you spend a single dime.

Week One — You Get This
Real Fake Trivia Game

A full Jeopardy-style board built entirely around your team’s history, lore, disasters, and occasional moments of glory. Four categories. Five clues each. $200 through $1,000. The $1,000 questions are genuinely hard. We verified every fact. We are not kidding about that part. Click on any one of the boxes and start the game!

The Flight Plan The Dirty Bird Era The Stefanski Rebuild Twenty-Eight to Three
$200$200$200$200
$400$400$400$400
$600$600$600$600
$800$800$800$800
$1,000$1,000$1,000$1,000

That’s Week One. Next week you get this →

Week Two — You Get This
Classified Ads

Nine satirical classified ads, three columns, all team-specific. FOR SALE. WANTED. LOST & FOUND. HELP WANTED. ANNOUNCEMENT. NOTICE. PERSONALS. OBITUARIES. The CONTACT line is always the punchline. Always.

For Sale

Kirk Cousins — Released, $100M Contract Concluded, Two Left-Handers Remain

Cousins signed a $100 million guaranteed contract with Atlanta in 2024. He started before losing his job to M. Penix Jr. He was released in 2026. The Falcons then signed Tua Tagovailoa for $1.3 million. The contrast between the Cousins contract and the Tagovailoa contract has been noted by everyone. The contrast is $98.7 million wide. Both left-handers are competing. The competition is genuine. The price differential is also genuine.

ContactFalcons front office. They released Cousins. They signed Tagovailoa for $1.3 million. The $98.7 million difference has been filed. The two left-handers are now competing. This is the current situation.
Wanted

A Settled Quarterback — Left-Handed or Otherwise, Healthy and Consistent

The Falcons have M. Penix Jr., who tore his ACL in his ninth game and is recovering. They have Tua Tagovailoa, who was released by Miami after throwing 15 interceptions in 14 games in 2025. Both are left-handed. Both have legitimate NFL talent. Both have significant injury or consistency concerns. K. Stefanski has confirmed he is equipped to coach through quarterback uncertainty in Atlanta.

ContactK. Stefanski. He has coached through quarterback uncertainty before. He has two left-handers. He has confirmed he is comfortable with two left-handers. Both have confirmed they are competing.
Lost & Found

Missing: Michael Penix Jr. — ACL Torn November 2025, Expected Return September 2026

Penix was the No. 8 overall pick in 2024. He lost his job to Cousins before taking it back. He tore his ACL in November 2025 in his ninth game. He is recovering and has said he will be ready for the opener. Tagovailoa is emerging as the early training camp favorite in Penix's absence. Penix has confirmed he is competing. Both left-handers are competing while one is recovering.

ContactM. Penix Jr. He is recovering. He is competing. Both things are happening simultaneously. K. Stefanski has confirmed both. Falcons Nation is monitoring both confirmations.
Help Wanted

Quarterback Clarity — Competition Ongoing, Both Lefties Present, Training Camp Deciding

The Falcons are the only team in NFL history — outside two previous cases in 1991 and 1997 — with two left-handed quarterbacks on their roster simultaneously. K. Stefanski has said he will let the competition determine the starter. Tagovailoa is the early favorite due to Penix's injury recovery. The competition will be resolved by Week 1 at the latest.

ContactThe two left-handers. They are competing. They have confirmed they are competing. The NFL has confirmed this is historically unusual. K. Stefanski has confirmed he is comfortable with historically unusual situations.
Announcement

Official Statement: The Competition Is Genuine, The Defense Is Strong, Stefanski Has a Plan

The Atlanta Falcons announce that the quarterback competition between M. Penix Jr. and Tua Tagovailoa is genuine. K. Stefanski has a plan. The defense under J. Ulbrich, retained from the previous regime, is considered a strength. The Falcons went 8–9 in 2025 and missed the NFC South tiebreaker. Both left-handers believe they are the reason 2026 will be different.

ContactK. Stefanski. He replaced R. Morris. He has the plan, the two left-handers, and the defense. He has coached in Cleveland for six years. He is confident in Atlanta. One of them will start. The decision is coming.
For Sale
Expired

The Raheem Morris Era — Two Seasons, 8–9 Final Record, NFC South Tiebreaker Lost

Morris coached the Falcons from 2024 to 2025. The team finished 8–9 in 2025 and lost the NFC South title on a tiebreaker. He was dismissed. K. Stefanski was hired. The defense Morris helped build was retained under J. Ulbrich. The quarterback situation was addressed by acquiring Tagovailoa and retaining Penix. The two left-handers are the most visible element of the transition.

ContactNo further comment at this time. The Morris era has been filed. The Ulbrich defense has been retained. The competition is ongoing.
Notice

Attn: NFC South — We Have Two Left-Handed Quarterbacks and a Strong Defense

The Atlanta Falcons formally notify the NFC South that they have M. Penix Jr. and Tua Tagovailoa competing for the starting role — the only team in the modern NFL with two left-handed quarterbacks simultaneously. The Panthers have B. Young in Year 4. The Saints have T. Shough in Year 2. The Buccaneers have B. Mayfield in a contract year. The Falcons have K. Stefanski, who has been through championship-adjacent seasons in Cleveland without winning one.

ContactThe NFC South. It has received this notice. It has confirmed this is historically unusual. It is monitoring the competition with interest. The competition is expected to conclude before Week 1.
Personals

Seeking: Quarterback Resolution — Falcons Nation Has Two Left-Handers and One Roster Spot

Falcons Nation, lifelong, Atlanta and beyond. Have watched the Cousins era. Have watched Penix lose and reclaim and lose to injury the starting job. Have Tua Tagovailoa for $1.3 million, compared to the $100 million Cousins amount. Have K. Stefanski, who has a plan and a defense. Would like a settled quarterback situation by September. Have been patient with the unsettled situation.

ContactFalcons Nation. They have the red and black. They are watching two left-handers compete. They have noted this is historically unusual. They are patient. They are always patient in Atlanta.
Obituaries

The NFC South Tiebreaker — Falcons Finished 8–9, Lost Title by Tiebreaker, Filed Under Close

Passed at the end of the 2025 regular season, when the Falcons finished 8–9 in a three-way tie for first in the NFC South and lost the tiebreaker to the Carolina Panthers. It had a strong finish and a strong defense. It had M. Penix Jr. for nine games before the ACL. It did not win the division. It is survived by K. Stefanski, J. Ulbrich, and two left-handed quarterbacks, all considered motivation for 2026.

ContactThe tiebreaker. It was applied. The Panthers won it. K. Stefanski received it as a mandate. Both left-handers received it as context. All parties are motivated.

That’s Week Two. The week after that you get this →

Week Three — You Get This
Top Ten List

A full team-specific Top Ten list. Completely deadpan. Treats every item with total journalistic seriousness. The list below is a sample. Yours will be specific to your team’s particular situation, history, and ongoing triumphs and disasters.

Top Ten Things You Can Buy for $24 at Mercedes-Benz Stadium
  • 10.One domestic beer, poured beneath a retractable roof that opens for weather but never quite for playoff hope.
  • 9.Parking, a healthy walk from the gate, past a mural of the February 2017 scoreboard that nobody asked to have painted.
  • 8.A framed photo of that scoreboard, sold at a discount because, frankly, nobody's rushing to buy it.
  • 7.A Tua Tagovailoa jersey, freshly stitched, next to a Michael Penix Jr. jersey, also freshly stitched. Buy either. Buy both. The depth chart isn't sure yet either.
  • 6.A commemorative Dirty Bird dance instructional pamphlet, laminated, in case 1998 ever happens again.
  • 5.Half a chicken sandwich, the other half already claimed by whichever left-hander wins the quarterback competition first.
  • 4.One “Rise Up” foam talon, slightly worn from being raised hopefully every September since 2017.
  • 3.A Kevin Stefanski bobblehead, still adjusting to the Georgia humidity after nine years in Cleveland.
  • 2.Four months of this subscription. Which includes 16 pieces of premium satirical content, a trivia game, classified ads, a children's book, and a staff that knows exactly how many seconds are left when Atlanta says “we've got this.”
  • 1.Hope, sold near the retractable roof, extra sturdy, built to withstand exactly one Patriots comeback per generation.

    • That’s Week Three. Week Four brings this →

    Week Four — You Get This
    Fake eBay Listing

    Seven team-specific fake eBay listings, ready to go every cycle, styled exactly like the real site — photo, description, seller, and current bid. The items are always something your team has misplaced, squandered, or never possessed. Reserve has not been met, and never may be met.

    Deion Sanders’ Cleats — ONE STEP, ‘Prime Time Was Here’
    Seller: georgia_dome_lost_and_found
    Condition: Historically Significant
    A single vintage football cleat, authenticated as having touched the turf of the Georgia Dome during the Prime Time era. The cleat is extremely well-made. It is also extremely fast. It will not wait for you. It never did.
    $21
    current bid
    The Scoreboard — 28 and 3, ORIGINAL, ‘Third Quarter Display’
    Seller: nrg_stadium_surplus
    Condition: Philosophically Compromised
    Two vintage wooden scoreboard blocks displaying the numbers 28 and 3. They are in excellent physical condition. They represent a lead that was, at one point, considered insurmountable. The blocks are sold as a set. They cannot be separated. They never could be.
    $283
    current bid
    Kevin Stefanski’s Blank Clipboard — UNUSED, ‘Year One’
    Seller: mercedes_benz_stadium_offices
    Condition: Optimistically Blank
    A brand new coaching clipboard with a pristine white sheet of paper and an uncapped red marker resting on top. It has not yet been written on. The possibilities are unlimited. The red marker is ready. The city is ready.
    $600
    current bid
    Kirk Cousins’ Contract — RESTRUCTURED, $180M, ‘The Reduction’
    Seller: falcons_salary_cap_dept
    Condition: Structurally Unsound
    A thick stack of contract documents representing a $180 million commitment that was restructured, reduced, and ultimately released. The Falcons still owe $8.7 million. The Raiders are paying $1.3 million. The math is not in Atlanta’s favor. The paper is very heavy.
    $180
    current bid
    Super Bowl Participation Certificate — FRAMED, ‘We Were There’
    Seller: falcons_trophy_room_mgmt
    Condition: Historically Haunted
    A tarnished silver trophy replica, dusty from years of not being touched. It represents a Super Bowl appearance in Super Bowl XXXIII and the one that shall not be discussed from 2017. The trophy is beautiful. It is also a reminder.
    $51
    current bid
    Tua Tagovailoa’s New Football — PRISTINE, ‘The Acquisition’
    Seller: falcons_front_office_2026
    Condition: Cautiously Optimistic
    A brand new football, pristine and untouched, representing the arrival of quarterback Tua Tagovailoa in Atlanta. The ball has not yet been thrown in a regular season game as a Falcon. The potential is enormous. The clipboard is blank. The city is watching.
    $1,300
    current bid
    Mercedes-Benz Stadium Seat Cushion — GAME-WORN, ‘Section 108’
    Seller: rise_up_faithful_since_1966
    Condition: Enduringly Loyal
    A well-worn black and red stadium seat cushion, faded and flattened from years of use. It has absorbed the cheers of 2016. It has absorbed the silence of the fourth quarter of Super Bowl LI. It has absorbed every season since. It is still here. So is the fan.
    $28
    current bid

    That’s Week Four. Then comes this →

    Week Five — You Get This
    The Outer Limits Enquirer

    One team-specific Outer Limits Enquirer front page, every cycle. Completely straight-faced. It sells itself — that’s how funny it is.

    ■ Transmission Received — Parallel Universe Dispatch ■
    Outer Limits Enquirer — Falcons edition front page
    Signal Strong — Standing By

    That’s Week Five. Week Six delivers this →

    Week Six — You Get This
    NFL Competition Committee Proposes

    Four new proposed NFL rules, each presented with complete regulatory seriousness. The title is always “THE NFL COMPETITION COMMITTEE PROPOSES:” followed by the rule name. Three to five sentences of deadpan satire. A new batch of four rules, every seven-week cycle.

    Official Proposal 1 of 4 — NFL Competition Committee — 2026 Season

    The NFL Competition Committee Proposes:
    The Feelings Rule

    Effective immediately, any player who is visibly sad after a penalty will be allowed to challenge the call on emotional grounds. The replay official will review the player’s expression in slow motion. If certified “genuinely devastated” by a panel of three therapists stationed in the press box, the penalty is waived. The Dallas Cowboys have already filed 847 pre-season challenges.

    Official Proposal 2 of 4 — NFL Competition Committee — 2026 Season

    The NFL Competition Committee Proposes:
    Mandatory Honesty From Coaches

    Starting in 2026, head coaches will be required to answer one post-game question with complete honesty. The question will be selected at random by a wheel spin. Early testing was abandoned after three coaches resigned, one cried, and Bill Belichick’s honest answer was legally classified as a threat.

    Official Proposal 3 of 4 — NFL Competition Committee — 2026 Season

    The NFL Competition Committee Proposes:
    The Participation Fumble

    In an effort to make fumbles less discouraging, any fumble recovered by the opposing team will now be referred to as an “unintentional lateral.” The player who fumbled will receive a certificate of effort. The team that recovered it will receive six points. Both outcomes will be celebrated equally on the official broadcast.

    Official Proposal 4 of 4 — NFL Competition Committee — 2026 Season

    The NFL Competition Committee Proposes:
    Announcer Accuracy Ratings

    All play-by-play announcers will now be graded in real time by a panel of former players. Phrases such as “he just wanted it more,” “that’s a football player right there,” and “you cannot teach that” will trigger an automatic fine of $500 per occurrence. Early projections suggest the league will be debt-free by Week 3.

    That’s Week Six. And saving the best for last →

    Week Seven — You Get This
    The Children’s Book
    A Landolfi Media Original

    A fully illustrated satirical children’s book, team-specific, written for the fan who has a child who needs to understand why Sunday afternoons are like this. The illustrations are beautiful. The subject matter is not. Both things are intentional.

    Your Team’s Complete Illustrated History — Included With Every Subscription
    “Atlanta, 1966”
    The Story of the Atlanta Falcons — Read the Full Book Below, Cover to Last Page
    Atlanta, 1966 — page viewer
    Atlanta, 1966
    The Story of the Atlanta Falcons.
    A Landolfi Media Children’s Book.
    Page 1 of 11
    Complete Illustrated History · Cover + 10 Pages · Included With Paid Subscription

    In the upcoming weeks and months with your paid subscription, you can also look forward to titles like these:

    Also In Development — Next Release
    “Why Does Daddy Cry On Sundays?”
    A heartwarming story about a father, his team, and the annual tradition of explaining to a seven-year-old why the season is technically over in Week Eleven. Daddy is going to be okay. He has been through this before. He loves his team. That is the whole story.
    In Development · Fully Illustrated · Coming Soon
    Also In Development
    “Daddy’s Team Is Very Special (Just Not At Football)”
    A celebration of everything a football team can be excellent at besides winning football games. The uniforms are nice. The stadium is large. The merchandise is widely available. A story about finding joy in the details when the scoreboard is unkind.
    In Development · Fully Illustrated · Coming Soon
    Also In Development
    “The Night We Almost Made the Playoffs”
    A timeless bedtime story about a very special evening in December when everything was possible. The math worked out. The other teams lost. The tickets were being researched. And then the fourth quarter happened. A story about hope, arithmetic, and the importance of not checking the score too early.
    In Development · Fully Illustrated · Coming Soon

    What Subscribers Are Saying

    “I explained the two-left-handed-quarterbacks situation to my coworker, a Saints fan. He just stared at me. I don’t blame him.”
    — R. Okafor, Midtown Atlanta · 4-Month Subscriber
    “My tailgate crew has a standing rule: no mention of 28-3 before noon. This newsletter respects the rule better than my own family does.”
    — T. Ellison, Decatur, Ga. · 6-Month Subscriber
    “Forwarded the Dirty Bird trivia card to my dad, who was there in ‘98. He got emotional. I did not expect that from a satirical newsletter.”
    — M. Boone, Marietta, Ga. · 3-Month Subscriber
    “I keep the classified ads on my phone for road trips. My kids now know what a dead cap hit is. I’m not sure if that’s good parenting.”
    — Anonymous · 5-Month Subscriber
    “Cancelled after the tiebreaker loss out of spite. Resubscribed within a week because spite doesn’t actually fix anything, it turns out.”
    — Anonymous · Auto-Renew, No Regrets
    “My book club switched to reading the children’s book aloud instead of our assigned novel one meeting. Nobody complained.”
    — L. Vance, East Atlanta · 7-Month Subscriber
    Free
    $0

    Every top story’s headline, plus the five or six “Around the Building” stories — the same day they publish. No credit card. No trial period. No catch. If you just want to keep up with what’s happening, this covers it.

    Subscribe Free
    Most Popular
    All Access — Every Team
    $9/mo

    Everything in Free, plus full daily articles and one new Bonus Content drop every week on a rotating seven-week cycle — a fan trivia game, a fake eBay auction, classified ads, The Outer Limits Enquirer, a children’s book parody, a Top Ten List, and an NFL Competition Committee ruling — for all 32 NFL teams in the network, the Falcons included. Plus the complete archive, for every team, from day one.

    Go All Access
    30¢

    Per Day. For Every Team. That Is All We Are Asking.

    $9 per month…just 30 cents / day. That works out to be 3 dimes exactly, or a quarter and a nickel. And it is no longer just one team — that 30 cents covers full articles and Bonus Content for all 32 NFL teams in the network. We are asking you to spend the cost of approximately nothing to have your suffering (and everyone else’s) witnessed, documented, and returned to you in a funnier format than it arrived.

    Other Things You Could Buy for 30¢
    ( If For Some Reason You Really and Truly Didn’t Want to Laugh Today )

    1. A quarter at a vending machine, with a nickel left over. That nickel is yours to keep. It is the only refund this list offers.
    2. Just under a third of a gumball from a machine that still exists somewhere in 1987.
    3. The look on someone’s face when you tell them you subscribe to a satirical NFL newsletter that covers all 32 teams. That look is free. The newsletter is 30 cents a day.
    4. A little over a third of a postage stamp. Stamps are about 80¢ now. Your 30¢ covers roughly the top third. This is not enough to mail anything to anyone. This subscription delivers considerably more — for every NFL team.
    5. About three-quarters of a birthday candle. The kind from the dollar store 10-pack. It will burn for a little over a minute. This subscription burns considerably longer, covers every NFL team, and produces significantly more joy and marginally less wax.
    6. 0.00002% of your team’s starting quarterback’s daily salary. He earns more between breakfast and the first snap than you will spend on this subscription in a year. This year that figure also covers 31 other starting quarterbacks’ teams. We thought you should know that. We are not sure why. It felt relevant.
    7. Nothing at a parking meter in any American city built after 1990. The meter will reject your 30 cents. We will not reject your 30 cents. We will give you seven weeks of content for it — for every NFL team.
    8. A shot glass of gasoline, which might be just enough to get you to an ATM to take out $9 for your first month of All-Access. The math works. The metaphor also works. Please do not drink the gasoline.

    Hey — you’ve made it this far. You’ve looked at all seven weeks of bonus content you’ll be receiving — for all 32 NFL teams, not just this one. You’ve also seen that you’ll be getting daily, full-length headline articles from the entire network — every side article, too. Obviously you love your team with a passion to have lasted this long and smiled this much.

    Yep. We can see you.

    There’s nothing left to do but spend the 30¢ / day and have this feeling — for every NFL team — last the whole year through.

    I mean really — what more is there to think about? Do you want to smile today (and every day) or not?

    “By subscribing you acknowledge that you are a fan in good standing, that you have suffered, that you will continue to suffer, and that $9 per month is a reasonable fee for having that suffering — and the suffering of 31 other NFL fanbases — witnessed and documented with the respect it deserves. Cancel anytime. Your team will not cancel anything. Neither will the other 31. They will all be here next season. And the season after that.”

    Ready?

    One Subscription. All 32 NFL Teams. Every Week.

    $9/month
    Subscribe Here →

    Or start free. No credit card. No commitment.

    Landolfi Media LLC · We Put The Parity In Parody · All Content Satirical · All Pain Real